I had a good today (Alhamdoillah)
My other half wanted us to do a BBQ in our back garden . I just made him list what to buy from our local halal butchers
I don’t know if anyone could relate to me but I prefer buying fresh meat .

It was such a relief for me when we had a halal meat shop finally opening up in our area some years ago

Prior to that HD wanted me to accompany him to our local garden centre to pick up some garden furniture

I took it as an opportunity of having much needed bonding time and left children at home .

Queue was not too bad , we stood side by side as queue was moving along and just had chit chat . Chit chat is a rare occurrence in our relationship . We don’t talk much .

Dressing up and going out with him always makes me nervous .

I remember in my childhood I’d ask my mum what to wear and now I do it with my husband .
For the last year , I been trying to seek his approval . Before leaving the house I give him a demo and ask if he thinks my clothes look okay .

It’s my effort to not make him disappointed in me . He likes to dress up smart and expects the same from me and children after all we represent him . Now that we got two teenagers in our house , that does not quite happen 😅

I try to take a positive out of every negative situation when it comes to interacting with hubby since the last year when I decided to give my marriage an other go . May I say it is not easy all the time to stay positive but I am trying hard
(I feel like a servant sometimes who is afraid of losing his job for repeatedly making his boss cross by not leaving up to his high standards. Growing up I did not have a father . I craved for one but my mother decided to not remarry even though she could have considering how people used to have this mindset in Pakistan to run after pretty face . My mother had a beautiful face and had a charming personality)

From the age of 13/14 I started wearing a long chador ( shawl ) with Niqab in Pakistan so I guess I still have some element left in me to cover up after 19 years .

Yes today was an other beautiful sunny somewhat hot day in London

I wanted to wear a trench coat over my clothes .
I asked him in my rather quieter voice ( Naturally I have loud voice , I am quite impressed by my sisters when them and I are in same room and they whisper sometimes and I am unable to figure out what they are saying)
He said no don’t wear trench coat , Its hot and wondered if I’m not feeling hot , perhaps wear some long shirt , he suggested

My shirt was not too short from the back so I just wore a half length jacket over . Different women have different definition of dressing up modestly . I believe in freedom of opinion.What is acceptable for me might not be the same for another person. I respect other people’s life choices and expect the same in return

Funny thing was when we walked out of garden centre, I spotted a noticeboard saying “ key workers” don’t need to queue up . As expected I got the same answer HD as soon as I showed it out to him 🙃 , no its okay I don’t mind queueing up ( but felt like saying but I do 🙆‍♀️

In past this kind of his response would annoy me but not anymore . I guess when you live with each other for a long time , you gradually become used to their habits even annoying ones

I used to be a short tempered woman for many years where I’d quickly get angry but also quickly cool down.
I’m still not as calm as some people are in my extended family but getting better 💪🏻

During my therapy sessions , I replied to my Psychatrist’s question to what I want to get out of my sessions “ to have control over my emotions and not get upset and raise my already loud voice when HD and I have disagreements .

I don’t know if she was trying to cheer me up or what but said its a common problem many people face where they end up raising their volume during disagreements .

I had my pic taken by HD at my request in garden centre . I wanted a selfie with him but he wasn’t keen usual story ( I wasn’t sad hearing this reply I’d been rather shocked if he had agreed to 🤣)

I sought his approval before sitting on that swing for a pic ( considering my past heart rending experiences of putting up with his long list of Do’s and Don’ts for making me look classy , I deserve a pat on the back that I consult him first before doing anything 😆)

I don’t know why I can’t get rid of inner emptiness despite having a very good day 🙃
( 2/6/2020)

This is me , sitting in London on a bright sunny morning

I have almost unfriended my entire list of facebook friends

Reason is I keep feeling guilty of writing my personal problems here . When I write it , it helps me feel better but later on it starts embarrassing me that I’m a bad person

When you are naive and young you end up making wrong choices when it comes to make very important decision of life such as choosing spouse .

I honestly feel this is what has happened to me and my husband . He is a wonderful person from every front except one and I don’t need to write which one that is

I’m sure there are many more Asian women out there who are in much worse relationship than what I am in but you see I’m not thick skinned . Words make or break me . I live in an emotionally abusive relationship . I feel I constantly walk on egg shells to avoid any disagreement that may quickly turn on to full on heated argument

2 days ago very politely my husband showed his disappointed in me for what I shared on my whatsApp status ( what triggered me post ) . He asked what am I trying to show to the world . I was waiting for his reaaction but not for that whatsApp status share . I had shared one in solidarity with Palestine . In past he has warned me to never give my opinion and support on conflicting political stuff on social media . He feels it could jeopardise his professional career. (One of his Muslim friends in London is quite vocal on fb and poor guy had to pay price for standing with truth . His friend would go to almost every protest in London to promote human rights )

I laughed it off and told him I sent it to my sisters and friends on whatsapp group and that I was trying to raise mental health awareness .

But it made me reflect on it. I can’t be myself in his presence . I have to constantly seek his approval . I have to only do things as per his life philosophy .

If he ever gets in to my social media account , he might have a heart attack( God forbid ) for the kind of stuff I share to promote equality and speak against any form of injustice .

In past I have tried to deactivate my social media profile after our husband and wife disagreements in which he tells me off for being different and not some one who blends in crowd

For last 5/6 days I’m under a lot of stress thinking about my mum. She’s old and becoming frail . She needs round the clock care . I feel hurt and trapped thinking I’m stuck I can’t be with my mum permanently when she needs my help the most

I share a difficult relationship with my mum perhaps best word to describe is bittersweet

For few weeks I love her a lot and then other times I think of all the things she’s ever done to me that has destroyed me emotionally and then I never wish to see her face or hear her voice ( this is battle I fight daily )

I never confronted her for kind of emotional damage she has unknowingly caused me , I have been doing everything in my power to please her for last 19 years

This morning I woke up and started crying for being thousands of miles away from her , not being able to fetch her glass of ice cold water just the way she likes in hot summer days .

I know for sure if I express this once in front of my husband , he probably would ask me to make enquiries to buy plane ticket to be with my mum , since losing his parent recently , my husband now is quite willing for me to visit my mum frequently ( as in once a year now ) .

Irony of fate , my mother came down with life threatening illness and my husband’s parent got hospitalised only one week apart from each other but my husband’s parent sadly passed away 2 weeks after their hospital admission

This caused huge strain on our marriage .We were not close from start but drifted further apart.

I think I am not truly able to forgive my husband for not flying out to my homeland with me to attend my only brother’s wedding and not just that he stopped me from taking children owing it to my homeland not being a safe country for children . Sadly enough my brother’s wedding did not last long. When my brother remarried 2nd time I wanted to go alone , I could not convince him . My mother being very traditional and conservative mum said not to come without my husband’s approval so in short I could not go . She even said the same to me when I wanted to visit her 3 days after my parent in laws death . By the way that plane ticket I had bought 3 months in advance hoping I’d go to my country to spend some time with my side of family

I really wanted my husband to take initiative and change my flight date to a nearer date as soon as I found out that my mum had suffered with life threatening illness but he did not.

Looking back now I think he was super stressed due to his parent’s illness and being eldest child . He could not think straight.

I have not been the kind of wife he felt he needed to have as his life partner, I strongly feel this way

My Psychologist keeps asking me to start have more honest conversations with my husband , I don’t see any point in doing it . I been having psychotherapy sessions over the phone having been on NHS waiting list for 9 months . Lets hope these sessions help me in the long run

She also thinks I need to have a support network in form of trusted friends whom I can turn to during my depressive episode

She gives me a task every week

My task for this week is to try and cultivate more personal friendships . I haven’t started working towards it 😔.

If you read this msg , pls say a prayer for my mum . Thank you

Me ( 31/5/2020…. Sunday 11:53 am )

This is my first post .

Who am I ?

A wife who almost spending 2 decades with her husband feels like giving up on her marriage sometimes but she wants to fight for her marriage for the sake of her children. Thanks for joining me!

Hello and welcome onboard

I live in the UK . I moved here from an Asian country after marriage .

I’m still not proficient in English but believe in improving myself daily so bear with me

For purpose of anonymity , I will describe my children as child 1 and child 2 and my husband as HD .

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton